im not ready to say good bye

what a long day and it is not even 8pm... ahhh

next door neighbors decided to Start partying at 230am....not cool... and they did not keep the noise level down.... really not cool... so i was REALLY Sleepy this morning. Chuck slept threw it so he was a sweet heart and took logan out this morning at let me sleep.

woke up at 8 to a hungry baby. got him fed then went and had a bowl of rice crispies. got every one ready for church and got out the door an hour later then i had planed but oh well..

when we got to church i found out that the Breakfast bunch is having a baby shower for me at breakfast this saturday. that is so sweet and im look forward to it.

chuck took logan to nursery and then went to his meeting. i took emmett with me to sunday school. it was a good lesson...

went to sacrament and we got to sit in the sac room for the whole meeting... logan was realy sleepy but he was a really good boy. Emmett slept threw all of it and did not wake up till we got back home.

had lunch and put the boys down for a nap. chuck and dez played mario cart.

when logan woke up we called grandma to see if we could come visit her and papa... she said dad and denise were there and that papa was not having a very good day. she said that he would be sleeping all the time because of the morphine and that she thinks the bone cancer has spread to his shoulder because he is in so much pain there. he is also not eating again.

dad called me a little latter when he had left grandmas and told me not to listen to her about waiting to come over he said that he will be very suprised if grandpa makes it to next weekend. he is very week is in pain every where and is not talking.

i packed emmett in the car and went over there. Grandpa was out and did not move at all while we were there. Grandma held the baby and we just sat. we did not really talk about anything...we did not really talk at all.. she just held emmett and talk to him... and she smiled a lot. i think it was a good distraction for her.

i am planning on bringing both boys over there tmw and we will see how things are.

Im not ready to say good bye but i am ready for him to die. I know that he will be in a better place where he wont be in pain any longer. he wont be so weak, he will be able to move and talk and feel good. but im not ready to not have a grandfather around any more. he has been such a BIG part of my life and i wish so bad that he could be around to be a part of my childrens life as well.. i love watching him and logan... they were so close and they both smiled so big when ever they were around eachother. i am also not ready to have grandma be alone. she loves him so much. i have never seen such sweet love and devotion. i hope that me and chuck feel for eachother the same way i watch my grandparents after 50+ years of being companions. i wish that she had the same understanding of the lords plan for us so that she would know for sure that she will be able to see him again.