im not ready to say good bye

what a long day and it is not even 8pm... ahhh

next door neighbors decided to Start partying at 230am....not cool... and they did not keep the noise level down.... really not cool... so i was REALLY Sleepy this morning. Chuck slept threw it so he was a sweet heart and took logan out this morning at let me sleep.

woke up at 8 to a hungry baby. got him fed then went and had a bowl of rice crispies. got every one ready for church and got out the door an hour later then i had planed but oh well..

when we got to church i found out that the Breakfast bunch is having a baby shower for me at breakfast this saturday. that is so sweet and im look forward to it.

chuck took logan to nursery and then went to his meeting. i took emmett with me to sunday school. it was a good lesson...

went to sacrament and we got to sit in the sac room for the whole meeting... logan was realy sleepy but he was a really good boy. Emmett slept threw all of it and did not wake up till we got back home.

had lunch and put the boys down for a nap. chuck and dez played mario cart.

when logan woke up we called grandma to see if we could come visit her and papa... she said dad and denise were there and that papa was not having a very good day. she said that he would be sleeping all the time because of the morphine and that she thinks the bone cancer has spread to his shoulder because he is in so much pain there. he is also not eating again.

dad called me a little latter when he had left grandmas and told me not to listen to her about waiting to come over he said that he will be very suprised if grandpa makes it to next weekend. he is very week is in pain every where and is not talking.

i packed emmett in the car and went over there. Grandpa was out and did not move at all while we were there. Grandma held the baby and we just sat. we did not really talk about anything...we did not really talk at all.. she just held emmett and talk to him... and she smiled a lot. i think it was a good distraction for her.

i am planning on bringing both boys over there tmw and we will see how things are.

Im not ready to say good bye but i am ready for him to die. I know that he will be in a better place where he wont be in pain any longer. he wont be so weak, he will be able to move and talk and feel good. but im not ready to not have a grandfather around any more. he has been such a BIG part of my life and i wish so bad that he could be around to be a part of my childrens life as well.. i love watching him and logan... they were so close and they both smiled so big when ever they were around eachother. i am also not ready to have grandma be alone. she loves him so much. i have never seen such sweet love and devotion. i hope that me and chuck feel for eachother the same way i watch my grandparents after 50+ years of being companions. i wish that she had the same understanding of the lords plan for us so that she would know for sure that she will be able to see him again.

jaundice

it looks like Emmett is turning a bit yellow. we tried to get in to see the dr today but they were all booked up and we did not want to have to go sit at the ER so we are just going to wait for tomarrow morning and if he is still this yellow then we will go to the Dr.

we had a good day today. it was nice to spent time with both the boys!

spent the day playing with the boys. we played out side a lot today. it was really nice out. and hung out with Dez a lot. when chuck got home we got ready and then took Emmett and went to the 5 year anv. dinner for the singles ward we were in before we got married. logan stayed home... he was almost ready for bed by time we left.

it was a really good dinner and show.. and it was great to see a lot of people that i had not seen in a really long time.

Cas and David were there and at first i thought maybe we were on the outs with them again cuz they did not even seam to look at us but by the end of the night we had a nice long talk and everything is good now. I hope that we can work our way back to the way things were. it was realy had to go from BFF bridesmaids in eachothers weddings to NOTHing.... i hope that we leave all that in the past and can pick up and move forward again.

time to feed that baby and get to bed.

took the baby to the ward activity tonight. every one was suprised to see me up and about but i feel great. there were not a lot of people there but it was not to bad of a turn out. we ended up getting a few cool things from the boy scout auction... even got a christmas gift... yaahhh for early shopping... lol.

Off the Lights

Got Emmetts blood drawn at 9 and then saw dr hoang at 1030 his levels are down to 13 so we will be able to be off the lights. we will still have the equipment over the weekend so we will still use it during the day while he is sleeping but we can go to the store... we need diapers we have used 80 in 5 days.... and we will be able to be off of the lights at night... that means that i will be sleeping in my own bed tonight.... yaaaaa me!!!! and on that happy note im off to bed

Levels are still going down . we will be going to get his blood drawn at the dr's tmw and then get to see Dr hoang and see if we can get off the lights. it is supose to be chucks day off but he is just going to take half day so that he can go to the Dr's with us and then go back to work. hopfully they will have good news for us tmw.

levels are going down slowly.

chuck went back to work today. home health came out and checked on Emmett. his levels are going down slowly but at least they are going down. Logan has alergies and its been a bit windy out so he has had to stay in the house. i dont think he is too happy about it but he has been having fun playing with his easter toys.

monday

today was chucks last day home with us. we didnt get to do too much cuz emmett is still hooked up to the light. chuck and Logan got to play and spend lots of time together so that was good.

cant wait to get to sleep on my bed again. the floor sucks